Ok this post is going to be completely cut and paste from an email I received. But it’s such a good one. I’ll leave the speaking to the article.

 FINDING AND KEEPING A LIFE PARTNER Golden rules for finding your life partner by Dov Heller, M.A.

When it comes to making the decision about choosing a life partner, no one wants to make a mistake. Yet, with a divorce rate of close to 50%, it appears that many are making serious mistakes in their approach to finding Mr./Miss. Right!

If you ask most couples who are engaged why they’re getting married, they’ll say: “We’re in love”; I believe this is the ONE mistake people make when they date. Choosing a life partner should never be based on love. Though this may sound “not politically correct”, there’s a profound truth here. Love is not the basis for getting married.

Rather, love is the result of a good marriage. When the other ingredients are right, then the love will come. Let me say it again: “You can’t build a lifetime relationship on love alone”; You need a lot more!!!

Here are five questions you must ask yourself if you’re serious about finding and keeping a life partner.

QUESTION ..1: Do we share a common life purpose?

Why is this so important? Let me put it this way: If you’re married for 20 or 30 years, that’s a long time to live with someone. What do you plan to do with each other all that time? Travel, eat and jog together? You need to share something deeper and more meaningful. You need a common life purpose.

Two things can happen in a marriage: (1) You can grow together, or (2) you can grow apart. 50% of the people out there are growing apart. To make a marriage work, you need to know what you want out of life! Bottom line; marry someone who wants the same thing.

QUESTION 2: Do I feel safe expressing my feelings and thoughts with this person?

This question goes to the core of the quality of your relationship.  Feeling safe means you can communicate openly with this person. The basis of having good communication is trust – i.e. trust that I won’t get “punished”; or hurt for expressing my honest thoughts and feelings. A colleague of mine defines an abusive person as someone with whom you feel afraid to express your thoughts and feelings. Be honest with yourself on this one. Make sure you feel emotionally safe with the person you plan to marry.

QUESTION 3: Is he/she a mensch?

A mensch is someone who is a refined and sensitive person. How can you test? Here are some suggestions. Do they work on personal growth on a regular basis? Are they serious about improving themselves? A teacher of mine defines a good person as “someone who is always striving to be good and do the right “;.

So ask about your significant other: What do they do with their time? Is this person materialistic? Usually a materialistic person is not someone whose top priority is character refinement. There are essentially two types of people in the world: (1) People who are dedicated to personal growth and (2) people who are dedicated to seeking comfort. Someone whose goal in life is to be comfortable will put personal comfort ahead of doing the right thing. You need to know that before walking down the aisle.

QUESTION 4: How does he/she treat other people?

The one most important thing that makes any relationship work is the ability to give. By giving, we mean the ability to give another person pleasure. Ask: Is this someone who enjoys giving pleasure to others or are they wrapped up in themselves and self- absorbed?

To measure this, think about the following: How do they treat people whom they do not have to be nice to, such as waiters, bus boys, taxi drivers, etc.. How do they treat their parents and siblings? Do they have gratitude and appreciation? If they don’t have gratitude for the people who have given them everything; can you do nearly as much for them? You can be sure that someone, who treats others poorly, will eventually treat you poorly as well.

QUESTION 5: Is there anything I’m hoping to change about this person  after we’re married?  

Too many people make the mistake of marrying someone with the intention of trying to “improve”; them after they’re married. As a colleague of mine puts it: “You can probably expect someone to change after marriage for the worse” If you cannot fully accept this person the way they are now, then you are not ready to marry them. In conclusion, dating doesn’t have to be difficult and treacherous. The key is to try leading a little more with your head and less with your heart. It pays to be as objective as possible when you are dating; to be sure to ask questions that will help you get to the key issues.

Falling in love is a great feeling, but when you wake up with a ring on your finger, you don’t want to find yourself trouble because you didn’t do your homework. Another perspective… There are some people in your life that need to be loved from a distance.. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you let go of or at least minimize your time with draining, negative, incompatible, not-going anywhere relationships.

Observe the relationships around you. Pay attention…Which ones lift and which ones lean? Which ones encourage and which ones discourage? Which ones are on a path of growth uphill and which ones are going downhill? When you leave certain people do you feel better or feel worse? Which ones always have drama or don’t really understand, know, or appreciate you? The more you seek quality, respect, growth, peace of mind, love and truth around you…the easier it will become for you to decide who gets to sit in the front row and who should be moved to the balcony of  your life.

An African proverb states, “Before you get married, keep both eyes open, and after you marry, close one eye”; Before you get involved and make a commitment to someone, don’t let lust, desperation, immaturity, ignorance, pressure from others or a low self-esteem make you blind to warning signs. Keep your eyes open, and don’t fool yourself that you can change someone or that what you see as faults aren’t really that important.

Do you bring out the best in each other?

Do you compliment and compromise with each other, or do you compete, compare and control? What do you bring to the relationship?

Do you bring past relationships, past hurt, past mistrust, past pain? You can’t take someone to the altar to alter them. You can’t make someone love you or make someone stay. If you develop self-esteem, spiritual discernment, and “a life”; you won’t find yourself making someone else responsible for your happiness or responsible for your pain. Seeking status, sex, and security are the wrong reasons to be in a relationship.

WHAT KEEPS A RELATIONSHIP STRONG IS:

1. TRUST

2. COMMUNICATION

3. INTIMACY

4. A SENSE OF HUMOR

5. SHARING TASKS

6. SOME GETAWAY TIME WITHOUT BUSINESS OR CHILDREN

7. DAILY EXCHANGES (meal, shared activity, hug, call, touch, notes, etc.)

8. SHARING COMMON GOALS AND INTERESTS

9. GIVING EACH OTHER SPACE TO GROW WITHOUT FEELING INSECURE

10. GIVING EACH OTHER A SENSE OF BELONGING AND ASSURANCES OF COMMITMENT

 If these qualities are missing, the relationship will erode as resentment, withdrawal, abuse, neglect, and dishonesty; and pain will replace. 

I was just having a conversation with a very dear friend over msn (who seems to have disappeared after saying he’ll be right back, famous last words).

 We were talking about some personal aspects of life as they relate to us. Not too convenient to share the feelings of another, but I will talk about the principles that lie beneath.

We were talking about how life is unpredictable, why do things happen the way they do, and I came up with the conclusion that we never really know. And that we just need to step out on faith, with the simple realisation that everything happens for a reason. Whether or not we’re privy to this reason 1 day, 1 year, or 10 years from now, or even never, like there is a time and a place for everything, similarly, there’s a reason for everything.

And there’s nothing wrong with questioning, there’s nothing wrong with wanting more, but I guess there comes a point in which if we try to question every single thing that gets thown our way in life, that just leaves us with a whole load of unanswered questions. Not too appealing.

So I have realised (and this is in line with some of my recent posts) that it does us good to hunger for knowledge, yes, to ask why things are the way they are, but not to over question or inundate and overwhelm ourselves with things that may not be answered today, or even somewhere within the imminent future. But rather, to hold fast to the things and values that matter most to us, and hold true to them, because in the end, those are the things that matter, those are the things we cannot let go of.

Live and learn, and realise that there’s always an aspect of our own character we need to work on, before picking and proding at someone elses. (this is a really hard part to digest…work in progress =P)

And yes, this very same dear friend told me 7 years ago to listen to the heart, not always think with the head. He had good intentions, he had many things I didn’t believe were important at the time. And now, we are the best of friends. We learn from each other, we learn from the people around us. There’s always something to learn.

I guess it took 7 years for me to realise the ring of truth in those words. I suppose I always knew, I just never really thought it worthy of acting upon. And I just had those words reiterated to me two days ago. I asked, in all my will to counter the apparent simplicity of a certain statement (that still does not seem simple to me), but, but, how do you know???

 And he told me,

 ”I just know.”

I wish I could say that with conviction, with absolute certainty, and never retract those words. Remember in the book we read (ok I read and you are reading), you gotta stay focused and never deviate from the dream. I will, in time.

And here is my dream for us.

For us to stay true to the people we are, and to help many people along the way to achieve the things they want to in life.

For us to stay in a beautiful house, cottage style, with flowers at the door, wooden flooring, rustic indoor feel, with an outdoor patio for us to sit and drink tea.

Us in a mini (ok u can have an audi but it doesn’t make sense for us to drive separately, so mini first ok? =P), on the way to the beach.

More in mind.

My wall is available for our boards… we gotta get around to that! =)

You make me mad, you make me sad

You make me cry, and I ask “why”

And then you say, “But really, hey”

I never meant, to spoil your day.

Oh yes I know, the love you show

Amidst a row, love it does grow

You make it right, within a fight

Our future’s bright, both day and night

And hand in hand, we walk the land

Our goals ahead, on paths we tread

Sometimes a hill, will test our will

We will stand tall, we’ll bounce the ball

And show to all, we climbed the wall

The wheels they turn, we live and learn

We’ll earn it true, both me and you

So as my dear, both far and near

We’ll live our dream, as it does gleam

The future is near, we’ll bring it here.

I dedicate this entry to the member who’s missing in physical presence from the family, the one I haven’t seen since 2005. And the one I haven’t spoken to in such a long time, and I only realised it when I heard that certain someone’s voice over the phone just now.

 Nat, I miss you. It seems sometimes I forget that I haven’t spoken to you in such a long while but when I do, then I realise that I miss having you around, I only get fleeting glimpses and experiences of you coming back here to stay in sunny ol’ Singapore.

If you were here, we’d have so much fun together.. climbing.. running.. eating (ok more of my love but too bad).. shopping..

Life’s hectic and full of occurrences, full of people that come and go, sometimes vaguely remembered and sometimes far from thought. But family, they’re always close to heart. You’re just a phone call away but…nothing beats having you back here home with us.

There are many things in life we desire, but there are only a few things which we cannot let go of.

 We started off on rocky ground, not the most ideal circumstance. Well, rocky mostly on my ground. But you were patient, mature, understanding, and I saw a quality in you that seems somewhat undeveloped in many.

It’s that quiet thoughtfulness that keeps me intrigued (sometimes it’s that same quiet thoughtfulness that annoys me because it’s sometimes misinterpreted as assumption), the sincere attempts to make me happy (you’ve got to get to know my likes and dislikes better, I think many are apparent now though), the subtle (ok sometimes not-so-subtle) ways of weaving yourself into my life, the I’m-not-the-jealous-sort-I’ll-give-you-your-space but on the other hand, “Who’s that? Who’s that?”

 We learn, we grow, and we change. We constantly seek to better ourselves, and build stronger bonds. We disagree, we argue (OK… I argue.. but not that often =P), but we have a clear vision of what we are heading toward. (we need to put it down on paper and stick it on the wall now) And we prepare for a future for us, as well as to help others. You make me proud.

We won’t let go of our dreams, the things we want to accomplish, and my vision of owning 300 cats under a single roof =) MIAOW. I’m glad you like cats. You get awarded 10 points just because Tom likes you. heh

I’d never really sat back to consider what matters most to me, until recently.

What is this future that I want, what is this future that we are preparing for?

I used to think of all the materialistic things money can buy, what with nice cars and big houses, unlimited clothes, bags, shoes, spa treatments, holidays and the like.

But even with all the time in the world to have all these things, or even with that kind of money, enjoyable yes, we do need money to enjoy ourselves and live a good life, but that’s not what really matters most. It’s the things that tug at your heartstrings, the things that make you smile, and what I really want and I will reiterate, family means the most to me. I used to think when I was younger, my family doesn’t understand me at all! And friends are the only ones who do.

And now as I’ve grown older, my perspective has changed. For friends, they come and go. Some friends are there for the rainy days, some friends are there for fleeting moments. But the ones that never leave, the ones that will be there whether I’m successful or face any setbacks, the ones that always lend their support, often unspoken, it’s that quiet knowledge that support is always there. That quiet desire to return this support and to give back what has been given to me for 23 years.

So, Mum and Dad, this post is dedicated to you. To thank you for that quiet support, for always believing in me no matter what I did, even when sometimes you probably didn’t think it was the right thing to do, for all that advice (nope, I still didn’t like it at the time, but I know it was all meant in a positive way, with a sincere desire to guide the daughter on the right path). It wasn’t the spoken advice or nags or scoldings that I remember, it was something much more meaningful. It was the quiet belief in me that you showed all these years, the belief you instilled as I was a child, to know that I was special and that I would be able to achieve anything I set out to. (although I do remember some certain instances, Read: during every exam at university, either dad or mum would say “Beverly, I see you watching TV everyday. Why aren’t you studying?”. Hey, I did study. It’s just that other things always seemed more interesting =))

Sometimes in the past when I was angry I would have liked to say (ok I did think to myself at certain points), I never want to be like that if I am a parent! And today, I say, MAN, what a tough act to follow. I’d be blessed if I were half the parents you are. But I will follow in your footsteps, and I will be what you taught me to be, through your unspoken words, through your unspoken actions. For those, to me, are the most valuable, and the most treasured.

The Sanguine part of my personality which renders me unable to keep my room clean for any extended period of time has been suppressed for the moment, because i am proud to say that I have spent 2 days of time (the first, cleaning my tables and shelf, and the second, clearing my wardrobe) cleaning up my room. Of course, nothing could reach the pristine standards of my dear mum (Choleric-Melancholy), whose melancholy nature needs to ensure that everything is kept spick and span (one of the aspects of her personality as a parent says “Always picks up after kids”, which she found hilarious). But anyhow. I am proud of my room. Something tells me I had better take a photo of it while it’s still in a good state. All in a day’s (ok two) work.

My my my. My intent to blog has been strangely thwarted by unforseen circumstances which I have had no control over.  Heh heh.

 Everybody, please read books written by Anthony Robbins (Read: Unlimited power and Unleash the Giant Within). And yes, Harry Potter is probably worth reading, but it won’t help much in personal development. (side note: I wanna read Harry Potter!!!! Can someone lend me the final book? PLeaaasssseeee) =P

 We had a wonderful time on 2 Aug. Went to JB to eat lots of pizza and lasagne, then watched Harry Potter (I have a strange feeling that Harry Potter in JB is slightly censored because it only lasts 2 hours), ate snacks, then I took him to a Mexican restaurant at Orchard Parade Hotel. More cheese. Cheese Cheese Cheese. And we’re waiting for the day when everyday will be like this one. Belief is everything.

I plan to take my mum and dad on a trip, all expenses paid, to anywhere in the world. On first class. Can’t wait!

I’m sleepy now. Later.